RanDawg (wasabiabi) wrote,
RanDawg
wasabiabi

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I am going to Mess with Texas.

There is something that has been on my mind for about 16 years now and I figure now is a good time to address it. Growing up I would go over to Andrew's house to chill. He has relatives in Texas and it seemed every year they would send something to Andrew's family that said "Don't Mess with Texas". At first I thought it was a little funny and then I started thinking to myself who wants to mess with Texas? Is Texas so cool that everyone wants to mess with Texas bringing on the necessity to remind people on shot glasses, T-shirts, hats, refrigerator magnets and wall hangings? I have met quite a few people on my journey and have never met someone that cared enough to mess with Texas.

Now, there is one historical figure that did mess with Texas. His name was Santa Ana and he fucked Texas' shit up. That mofo sieged a bunch of Texans at the Alamo killing all but the women and children. (interesting thing here, Santa Ana is willing to mess with Texas but doesn't want anything to do with women and children, this is a clear statement about what he thought of Texas (if it isn't obvious to everyone, Santa Ana was more afraid of women and children than Texas) After that no one really cared about Texas anymore, at least not enough to mess with Texas resulting in the Republic of Texas being formed. The Texans thought they were pretty cool because they had their own country. So everyone left Texas alone to do their own thing and eventually they started to think that everyone was conspiring to mess with Texas so they joined the United States. The paranoia did not go away though and to this day we are all reminded of exactly who we do not want to mess with.

Now I have been to Texas twice in my life. The first time I was 7 years old and we went to Amarillo for a family reunion of my mom's side of the family. All I remember about it was there were oil wells, tumble weeds and all the trees grew in the direction the wind blew. The second time was a couple of weeks ago when I went to San Antonio. While it was much nicer than Amarillo and I may end up living there someday depending on my job, I still was not impressed enough to believe that there were conspiracies to do some serious messing.

People in Texas are crazy. Every car dealership flies a Texas flag rather than an American flag. People decorate their houses with lonestars and Texas flags. There is even a Ford F-150 Texas Edition. I think they are taking their statehood a little too seriously. Well, I am going to make a stand for the rest of us against these crazy assholes. Fuck Texas. There I said it. The next time I go to Texas I am going to take a huge shit on the ground and flip the state off. Then I am going to hump the Alamo and the state capital as a sign of disrespect. I will show them what it is like when someone messes with Texas and they will run and hide like the pussies they are. Of course I will make sure to spare the women and children because I don't want to face their wrath.
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